LH: live. raw. uncensored.

i often have a hard time being myself.  and being comfortable.  i am always coding my words or apologizing or masking the real me.  i am not out at work.  shit.  arabs talk.  for sure they know a chaldean who knows a friend who knows a cousin down the line.  i also don’t feel so comfortable being super chaldean or arab american in certain spaces.  how can i be when its a space semi hostile to sexuality (not just homo, but any kind).  how can i be when i am in a space semi hostile to NON-superduper all american mainstream culture?  

sometimes spaces close in on me and i feel like imploding.  

i feel like i spend so much time represent’n myself, that i forget who the fuck i am represent’n.  

another complexity: when i am in gay spaces, the bar, who the fuck am i?  i dress pretty “femme,” even when i “butch” it up, i am still labeled “femme.”  growing up i felt so unfeminine.  not even masculine, but less human (years of self hate, folks). anyways…i guess i try to over compensate in being “ultra femme” now. i think i get more attention…but only from certain dykes i want attention from.  in the grand scheme i am not sure if i am that girl who walks into the room and everyone wants to fuck her.  not sure if i still want to be that girl. sometimes.  

it was a big deal for me to find other gay mid easterners.  i needed to be validated.  and once i met a bunch of chaldeans and arabs, it did hel to hear coming out (or outing) stories, and they felt the same way i did about cultures clashing and being somewhat repressed.  but lately i have felt disconnected.  i work alot.  don’t hang out much, and i feel like my concerns aren’t exactly shared with some of the gayrabs (haha).  that’s ok.  i suppose i think too much.

 

here is great essay posted on racialicious

i need to read more of this stuff.  i need to read more.

Linky time.

Not much to write…that’s a lie, but I would rather post some links to some Kabobfest articles of interest:

1. An article about the appropriation of Islam in american culture…via Urban Outfitters  

2. This article about Arabs in Hollywood-mostly films about Arabs, and this one person’s review of them.

3. And a little bit of blogging against homophobia in Syria

despite all my rage….

I’m fucking aggravated.  There is no alleviation to my aggravation….because I am stuck having to deal with ignorant assholes in my community…as well as outside of my community.

Non-Arab gays don’t realize how fucking hard it is to be ethnic (in my case Chaldean) and gay.  I hope the culture police aren’t policing my ass. 

It angers me that people are so fucking hateful, especially when they are a part of your family.  They believe anything their religion dictates.  All of this makes me want to be straight….or live the “straight” life.   Why should we get scared straight?  This all sounds so elementary…  I actually hate discussions about homophobia and gay pride.  I ask myself: Shouldn’t we have achieved progress by now? That sounds like I am shitting on my culture for being “backwards,” but the world at large, still has restricted and ignorant ideas on homosexuality and gender. 

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Another Chaldean friend confided in me about her family not accepting “her homosexuality.” 

My friend’s family knows she is gay.  She hasn’t done a great job at “hiding it.”  What I mean is, she borrows her brother’s clothes, and is vocal about gay rights, and her gay friends.  Although she has denied being gay, and has not really “come out” to her family voluntarily (she hasn’t confirmed their accusations in other words).  It is getting harder…because it is becoming more “obvious.”  And her mother is catastrophizing the situation and it’s getting unbearable for my friend.

This is just another… variation…a story of my life.  

I used to go to a middle-eastern gay women’s support group.  I ‘m glad there are groups like that that exist.  It helps to have someone there who knows what you are going through.  It helps to bond with other women who understand at least a little about your life.  White gays, or non-Arab gays don’t usually understand what we have to go through.  They just think “fuck your family, be out and proud!  If you only had more confidence…”  This isn’t about confidence.  This is about your head being shoved up your ass, and not realizing that as first generation Arab Americans (or any ethnic-American) it is often difficult to maintain culture, abide by family rules, and to be independent.

I don’t feel comfortable going to the group anymore….It is a great thing that many more women are joining the group.  There is power in numbers.  BUT I am starting to feel uncomfortable because now ANYONE can join the group…which is great…but I don’t know if that anyone could be a someone from my family.  That’s just really awkward for me.  Partly because I guess I am not as comfortable with my sexuality as I thought I was…and because I don’t really want to know about a family member’s sex life.  I guess I am more prude than we all thought.

Make the decision to not coming out it isn’t just about being cut off financially.  Although, let’s be honest, that would be fucking scary, because I have no money (I am working on it though…and making progress!).  I’m sure I would be able to make it.  It’s not only the loss of family, which a lot of gays have to deal with as well.  For me, it’s everyone asking those questions and talking about it endlessly.  People are so concerned with the actual SEX part of it.  It really makes me feel uncomfortable.  “How do you have sex with a girl? Do you use this or that?” um…WEIRD. Or “who’s the man and who’s the woman?”  That one is just plain annoying and ignorant.  Also, because family name is so highly valued with Chaldeans, I do feel an obligation to keep that part of my life under wraps. 

I think it is stupid to live your life according to what people think of you…bc people in the community at large have their fucked up probs…so personally I don’t give a damn what they say about me.  I know I am a great person.  But my parents don’t want people talking about them.  My dad worked really hard to maintain a good reputation in the community.  Further more, it IS fucking annoying too hear some asshole, or cousin ray ray talk shit about you when, they know damn well they are fucking lowlifes.  Plus many people are out to fucking ruin your name….they start making up some inflammatory shit.  I refuse to be a victim of those assholes. 

I really feel for my friend.  I just hope things start to get better for all of us.