projects projects projects

I need to focus more.  that is my main problem.  being unfocused for so long holds you back.  i always say “i should have done this last year” or “i should have accomplished this 2 years ago”

i really feel like i am losing time…but this doesn’t push me as much. i just get overwhelmed and sleep the day away.

Projects i need to get started on:

–still working for a livin

–paper for publication

–grad school stuff

–creating a zine/publication

–other community work

too many things…too many distractions.

things i like!

here are some things i am enjoying:

The book A Map of Home by Randa Jarrar.  i just finished reading it.  

here is an excerpt about it from amazon:

Nidali is born in Boston to a Greek-Egyptian mother and a Palestinian father, and moves to Kuwait at a very young age, staying there until she’s 13, when Iraq invades. A younger brother is born in Kuwait, rounding out a family of complex citizenships. During the occupation, the family flees to Alexandria in a wacky caravan, bribing soldiers along the way with whiskey and silk ties. But they don’t stay long in Egypt, and after the war, Nidali’s father finds work in Texas. At first, Nidali is disappointed to learn that feeling rootless doesn’t make her an outsider in the States, and soon it turns out the precocious and endearing Arab chick isn’t very different from other American girls, a reality that only her father may find difficult to accept. Jarrar explores familiar adolescent ground—stifling parental expectations, precarious friendships, sensuality and first love.

 

here are some links i like:

http://www.olivetones.com
http://www.el-iqaa.com
http://www.otherart.org

I feel better

I still have some doubts about pursuing a scholarly career….but I feel better about studying for the GRE and my grad school endeavors. Things that helped me realize that in a week, me taking the GRE will benefit me:

-I gave a presentation this morning to United States army soldiers going to Iraq. I only talked about the Arab world, and my colleagues talked about the culture and demographics. They also talked about Iraq specifically. I am the only Iraqi at work (the rest are diverse, Arab and non Arab…many Palestinian and Lebanese)…but I realized yet again that I am so disconnected for my parent’s place of origin. I only know the Iraqi AMERICAN or Chaldean AMERICAN way. Main point: I think that going to grad school and working on Arab/mid east stuff is important because there isn’t so much attention to it in the states. Although I would like to work on queer and Arab identities, I think I want to focus on Iraq for my own identity politics (self indulgence).

-I spoke to my old friend Courtney, who made me feel like working toward another degree or some scholarly work about mid east stuff is important. I guess I just had to hear it. I mean I would not go for another degree in literature…maybe if it was comparative/Arab American…..but thanks to Courtney I feel galvanized (I always used to say that haha) about my academic pursuits.

Oooh now another friend nadia posted this on her blog. I would love to travel to mid east/Arab countries to speak/help Iraqi refugees.

So many things I want to do. I don’t have a clear project that is so eminent.

stress ramblings

 

I have spent the last 1 1/2 to 2 years out of academia and I have enjoyed every second of being away from that hell hole.  

Don’t get me wrong, I still miss being in class and breaking apart a poem or some queer theory….but the stress of writing a 10 page paper comparing and contrasting Foucault and Judith Butler just isn’t something I miss at all.  I don’t miss the intellectual elitism either….and thats at WSU…not the most prestigious university (although still good).  

Right now I am studying for the GRE, and it hit me: Is this what I really want??? to go back to an environment based on academics/not on action and “i’m better than YOUs”?  Every once in awhile it hits me….I ask myself “what do you really want?”  

Okay, here and now, I vow to be honest in what I want to do with my future:

I want to foster connectivity between different organizations that fight to end injustice and also create art…build bridges

I want to do something creative

I want to do something that doesn’t die when it leaves my brain, my eyeballs, my hands.  I want someone to use what i make…make something out of my creation.  i want to INSPIRE and make others who feel like me…feel better about themselves, make them feel less alone and have a voice or someone out there to relate.

I want to use the knowledge I have gained in from my godforsaken undergrad.

I kinda want to get paid….i mean not millions, and not gain total infamy.  Although I would like recognition for my work.

So my question(s)

Do I really need a PhD to be the leader of an art organization? Or to do any of the things mentioned above?

I have already spent a bunch on that stupid GRE class.  I better get a decent grade on this test.  Then I can just decide from there.

Library is closing.  

Peace.

getting it out there….

So, two weekends ago, there was a conference at the cultural center I work at- where Arab American/mid eastern artists and scholars came together encouraging audiences to explore the boundaries of art in addressing social issues related to Arab Americans and the community at large. I was so excited.

Suheir hammad was there for a show to kick off the weekend. It was so weird to MEET her. She really does inspire me. She is one of the first and few Arab women poets I have looked up to….

the first poem i heard from her.

I sorta danced around her….i had to work the events…but I was nervous to talk to her. we had a conversation, and almost shared a tearful moment (this is so sappy). It really does mean a lot to me artists who put themselves out there to speak the truth. Her work really inspired and formed my identity as an Arab/Chaldean/Iraqi/woman of color/queer (hahaha).

She said something I still think about: “Thank you. That is why I do this. Not because I totally enjoy it, but because it reaches others…it may not be an Arab girl…it may be a Fillipina girl…these words can cross boarders.” SO TRUE. Before Suheir…it was any woman of color who could speak to me. Boundries of race and ethnicity didn’t really matter.

PS her performance was great. I seriously almost cried like 5 times. And then she asked me to explain the Chaldean thing. Hahaha. Aw.

ALSO Wafaa Bilal was there! He is so awesome! He is my fav artist right now. And he’s Iraqi! I really wish I was able to see Domestic Tension. Anyways, I was so shy to talk to him. Finally, at the very end I told him how much I appreciated his work, and he had the same reaction as Suheir-very genuine, thankful, and glad to hear that it reached me. I sorta felt like I talked AT him. Sorry man, I was so nervous. I always build up these things.

It was really important for me to meet fellow artists and to attend each panel discussion. This is so my area. I really want to make something/organize/write. That is why I am trying to blog more. Just throw out ideas into space without the pain of making it perfect and over analyzing. For awhile it was even hard for me to send a damn email! I am getting better. Rebuilding from my semi breakdown in ’07. I have so many ideas for the next conference. Hopefully people will appreciate my effort.

desolation yes/hesitation no.

something i need to get over: 

When i start a project, or even plan it with a friend, i am all of a sudden paralyzed…or overwhelmed by the prospect of whatever i want to do.

the end of race?

Here is a blog roundtable discussion about Obama’s election, and the “end of race”

 

from Racialicious.

Linky time.

Not much to write…that’s a lie, but I would rather post some links to some Kabobfest articles of interest:

1. An article about the appropriation of Islam in american culture…via Urban Outfitters  

2. This article about Arabs in Hollywood-mostly films about Arabs, and this one person’s review of them.

3. And a little bit of blogging against homophobia in Syria

i’m talking bout cultcha, people

I work at a cultural institution that promotes and informs about Arab culture and Arab American stories.  I would rather not say the name…just so I have my own privacy…and to protect the innocent if I later criticize my own workplace.

Anyways, I am an educator- I work on educational programs and give cultural presentations and tours.

That’s all I will say bout that…

Today, I gave a tour to 3 seniors and some stuck up bitch.  When talking about identity and what constitutes Arab (language, culture, politics) and the different African and west Asian countries that make up the Arab world, I got some weird looks from one of the senior women and the stuck up bitch. 

“Oh it’s just like calling someone from Costa Rico a Mexican, and then they get mad!” she was so astonished that someone would be offended by getting called the wrong ethnicity.  What, anything south of the border should be “Mexican”? And then the senior lady adds “you know it’s like when people get made you call them Asian, and they say ‘no, I’m KOREAN!”  Like, omg the nerve….people actually take their identity PERSONALLY….i’m sure these women don’t want to be called anything other than “American” or whatever the fuck they are.

 Why is that so hard for others to understand?   I mean, every continent has its own racial and cultural hierarchies-some founded on complete bullshit (see later posts on Chaldean HYSTERIA over being called Arab)-but we outsiders of whichever culture don’t need to be outspoken about who we think they should be called….especially when I am trying to teach your ass in an actual CULTURAL INSTITUTION.

I could tell I was giving them info they couldn’t handle….sometimes older people are hard to educate…even young kids who grow up without any knowledge of someone different are  a little bit easier to get through to.

Anyways….I feel better I got that out.  See, that’s why I blog.  

all new

I had a blogger account.  check out defineother.blogspot.com

 

…then i deleted the email address or forgot the password or both.  so now it is just floating out there in the abyss.  i really wanted to name my new blog “floating-in-the-abyss.  a little too emo…and wordpress wouldn’t allow me to use hyphens.  i am still navigating the site.  but i think it will work out.

 

i just need a forum that is semi private that i can air my….frustrations…my good days….and my thoughts on….everything.

this isn’t going to be like livejournal.  that was so 10 years ago.  so here goes: cheers!