push push push

keep going.

unintelligible in the new year

Something is eating at me….a lot of things

This fucking military shit….keeps getting brought up at work…from having them “thank” us, to their evaluations coming in (one guy literally wrote “i didn’t know palestinian women could be so hot”) to it being brought to my attention that two evals that came in said “our tour guide wasn’t friendly enough/didn’t interact with us enough” its been a whole week and it keeps being brought to my fucking attention. i’m fucking sick of this. i’m physically ill. not trying to slander the __, but i told few very close coworkers and friends and they think this shit is fucked up. this shit is eating away at me. i kinda want to end my employment earlier than expected like april……but just found out it HAS to be june.

now I just saw a fucking news (my dad’s watching fox news UGH) broadcast about this guy getting deployed to afghanistan….and he is all “I want to do something big…I want to make a difference. My colleagues and I want to be the first their…on the front lines” and his wife says “he is fighting the fight there so it doesn’t have to come here” YES….KEEP THINKING THAT YOU DUMB BITCH. IT’S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT RUIN AMERICA. These fucking soldiers need to get a clue….you aren’t helping anyone!

The next thing is my worry/anxiety over getting accepted to school/my job/my romantic relationships/….my future really. Uncertainty is scary. I can take comfort in being comfortable right now living with parents and having a job… I just can’t keep living at home…I need to have my own life and grow up. I can’t keep working at the __ bc they don’t pay shit…and its getting fucking old.

. I think I will have to try and relax and keep busy….

Work out

Eat better

Do more fun things.

All very distracting from

I never be laid back as

Incoming: LONG ass rant.

So I have (yet again) been accused of being an elitist.  Haha…well I don’t disagree with being an elitist at times.  But I was accused of one for inaccurate reasons….here’s the back story:

A few nights ago I went out to a bar with a good friend.  We bumped into this girl from high school, and we had a long catching up convo with her.  My friend was filling her in on her life, such as possibly going to Korea to teach English.  The girl from our school started telling us about “juice girls” and prostitution in Korea and gave us this little nugget of opinion:

“I mean why are we fighting in I-RAQ when we should be there (Korea) helping”

so I let all the fucked-up-ness of that statement go at that moment…only glancing at my good friend.

A few days later, my friend and I were hanging out and chatting, and somehow we started talking about how some people are seemingly “liberal” but saw some pretty fucked up shit….such as our old school mate did….

And then I launched into “god can you believe ‘I-RAQ???’”

And my friend pointed out that I was being an elitist for proscribing a certain pronunciation of Iraq.

I always thought, that as Americans, we should always try to pronounce the name of a country the closest to the way people of that country say it.

I mean the real pronunciation is more of a glottal sound in the beginning and middle of the word.  But Americans are not typically able to make that sound.  The closest pronunciation would be “E-rock.”  Therefore, we (Arab Americans, Iraqi Americans) have let “E-rock” go.

Granted, my friend said when we both hear I-RACK, it conjures the image of some ignorant, conservative republican asshole, so I automatically get in hate mode.

I have heard educated professors refer to the country as “I-rack” and I gotta be honest, it does make me sad.  But my friend insists (linguist students….ugh) that in American dialect and accent that is how Iraq is pronounced….and to command someone to change the way they pronounce it, when they have been taught or learned that it is I-RACK is a show of my elitism.  “I know how to say it, and you are wrong, so I have to teach you”—is elitist.

A teacher at our high school told one day in class “actually you pronounce it “Iraq” (the actual Arabic way of saying it).  So according to my friend, our teacher, who was supposed to teach us…demonstrating the correct way of saying Iraq, is elitist.

Moronic.

I am not arguing correcting someone over “supposebly” or “Ax”

But when someone says “ch-aldean” instead of “kaldean” I will correct them.

i don’t think this elitist rule applies to proper nouns.

Reading at Arab, one can easily say “ay-rab.” There is no “air” for A R…..is there in English?

Damn straight I will correct someone saying ay-rab…..

something

My parents always defined me as “too” American, rather than Chaldean Iraqi. I grew up going to schools where the student population was predominantly white, with a few kids, like me who added diversity. My early formations of Chaldean were negative. I didn’t see people like me on tv or any positive role models (minus a few in my family). Many of the chaldeans I knew (know of) do not deviate from the heteronormative structure of marriage, family, real estate, business. Why raise your voice and start a career in activism? That doesn’t make money. Why do anything except go to church on Sundays. Only raise your voice for god and your Christian faith.

physicality notes/questions

what does beauty mean to you?

do you think of yourself as  physically “beautiful”?

how are you beautiful? how do you express that…physically?

are there different levels of beauty?

do you think people pressure you to live up to their standards of beauty? or does it not affect you as much as it did in the past?

i struggle with physical “beauty”

projects projects projects

I need to focus more.  that is my main problem.  being unfocused for so long holds you back.  i always say “i should have done this last year” or “i should have accomplished this 2 years ago”

i really feel like i am losing time…but this doesn’t push me as much. i just get overwhelmed and sleep the day away.

Projects i need to get started on:

–still working for a livin

–paper for publication

–grad school stuff

–creating a zine/publication

–other community work

too many things…too many distractions.

you are

You are here

You see how you

Fit

Into

Me

My world

And no in betweens

 

You can’t blame me

For making you

My idol

To worship

To save from madness

 

Be my queen

spaces in between (us)

What if I am just fooling myself

I know I have to do this by myself….

Creating…I have my vision….and now I have my voice, I just want to go my own way

I used to expect people to help me…and I needed…needed…needed…needed

SO MUCH

Relationship strands get knotted, or pulled on so much that they start to loose threads

Important threads that let you know you can count on her

Fun threads that make you feel good

Trusting threads that let you know you can speak your mind and she will always be there

Caring threads that let you know you are not alone….

Relationship strands help you make it through epic minutes of loneliness….

 

Lonely

She is a beautiful glass box…. no one can reach inside of her.

Still she bleeds and bleeds when the ice cold stares reflect off her walls into her ***

Frozen inside the gross generalizations pummeled into

She waits hours and hours for some connection

She has won the grand carnival prize for woman who waits the longest

 

When two women construct a relationship they enter together, the anticipated satisfactions are mutual if not similar.  Sometimes that relationship becomes unsatisfactory, or ceases to fulfill those separate needs. When that happens, unless there is a mutual agreement to simultaneously dissolve the relationship, there must always be one person who decides to make the first move.

The woman who moves first is not necessarily the most injured nor the most at fault

Audre

 

I am myself, she had only aided in the process

Audre

 

It is the last dream of children to be forever untouched-audre

 

We can be comrades, but only by these rules

 

It was only ____ in my head I had to give up, or keep

it’s sad when

you are involved with someone and it ends and then they move on….like move out of your life completely and you feel like you are just standing there asking “what the fuck? where are you?”

 

it’s like me loneliness is chipping at me like a damn teacup..

wow…

I just looked at my stats page, and saw this:

These are terms people used to find your blog.

“do chaldean women hate white women”

 

What the….???   crazy….more on that later….